I spent the majority of the week/weekend recovering from that 4 Loko I was forced to shotgun on The Biggest Loser. I was out having fun with my daughters pretty much the whole day Saturday, so I could spend my entire Sunday digesting as much NFL as I could in peace.

Because I didn’t watch much CFB this weekend, I was able to give my liver a break. as I didn’t feel inclined to drink to get through a day of mediocrity. Although, I did get to watch my Trojans thrash Fresno State.

*Side note, I did try Truly’s Margarita Style seltzers this weekend…FIRE

But hey, we’re here to talk about the pros, not the Joes.

Week Two of the 2022 NFL season is officially in the books. As much as I want the team to tank for a real QB, my Giants are one of six teams to remain undefeated through the first two weeks of the season.

This week’s slate turned out to be much more exciting than the first week of the season. There were a few upsets; kickers actually made their field goals (for the most part), and there were some unprecedented comebacks.

Week 2 recap

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS v KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

Despite the game featuring two young elite quarterbacks in the NFL, this TNF was surprisingly dictated by the defense. Justin Herbert showed true toughness, finishing the game despite taking multiple brutal hits and suffering a rib injury. Unfortunately for him, toughness is only one key ingredient to winning. Herbert outdueled Patrick Mahomes, but a costly interception at the one-yard line proved to be the difference maker in this one. 

CAROLINA PANTHERS v NEW YORK GIANTS

Let me start by saying, Baker Mayfield just might be the worst starting QB in the league, not named Carson Wentz. Hard to believe some really thought he’d be an upgrade over Darnold LMFAO. I feel bad for all Panthers fans, but I’d hate to be this guy. This was a messy, hard-fought game by two trash teams. In the end, it came down to who controlled the time of possession and who had the better kicker. The Giants are 2-0 for the first time since the 2016 NFL season. Now can they start the season 3-0 for the first time since 2009? Oh yeah, Daniel Jones started and finished the game without turning the ball over, which is always something to celebrate. 

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS v PITTSBURGH STEELERS

This was probably the most boring game of football to be played in decades. Both teams possess solid defensive units but have no real offense. No one should ever be forced to watch a game where the starting quarterbacks are Mac Jones and Mitchell Trubisky. All I can say about this game is, if you took the over, you’re an idiot. 

NEW YORK JETS v CLEVELAND BROWNS

In just the second game of his NFL career, Garrett Wilson, the tenth overall pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, caught eight passes for 102 yards and two touchdowns. The rookie caught the game-winning touchdown with 22 seconds left on the clock and his breakout performance, coupled with poor decision-making by Nick Chubb, led to Jets to a rare Jets victory. 

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS v DETROIT LIONS

Shout out to Carter the Refrigerator Elliot for picking the Lions to win this game on the Biggest Loser, while many of us were confused by them being favorites to win this game. Washington was down 22 points before they finally scored in the third quarter. Jared Goff threw four touchdowns, and the Commanders had no answer for Amon-Ra St. Brown, who ran for 68 yards and recorded 116 reception yards and two touchdowns. 

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS v NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

The highlight of the game was when a “fight” broke out between the Saints and the Bucs in the middle of the field, and Mike Evans, as well as Marshon Lattimore, were ejected. Gisele is probably in a penthouse somewhere in New York City, laughing at Tom Brady as he continues to look like a shell of himself. Luckily for him, Tampa Bay has an elite defense, and they currently sit at the top of the division with a 2-0 record.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS v JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Trevor Lawrence continued to disappoint me after I picked him to win Most Improved Player, but the Jaguars did come away with a win. Matt Ryan is WASHED, and the Colts are wasting away Jonathan Taylor’s prime. 

MIAMI DOLPHINS v BALTIMORE RAVENS

Lamar Jackson had a 79-yard rushing touchdown, and the Ravens outscored the Dolphins 35-14 through the first three quarters. Entering Week 2, teams trailing by 21-plus points in the fourth quarter were 0-710 since 2011, per NFL Research. The Dolphins ended that 710-game streak by outscoring the Ravens 28-3 in the final quarter and defeated the Ravens 42-38.

Tua Tagovailoa played the best game of his NFL career, throwing for 469 yards and SIX touchdowns—four in the fourth quarter. Jaylen Waddle and Tyreek Hill became just the second wide receiving duo to rack up at least 170 yards in the same game as the two combined for 22 receptions, 361 yards, and four touchdowns. 

ATLANTA FALCONS v LOS ANGELES RAMS

The Rams were decimated by the Bills in the NFL Kickoff game, and they barely squeaked out a win against the Falcons in week two. In what should’ve been a blowout victory, it took two huge plays from the defense in the final 1:07 of the game to pull out this victory.

To say they are dealing with a bout of Super Bowl hangover would be an understatement. Also, it’s only been two weeks, but Matthew Stafford is really feeling the effects of Andrew Whitworth’s retirement. *Side note, Jalen Ramsey is annoying AF. 

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS v SAN FRANCISCO 49ers

Without Russell Wilson on the other side of the field, the Seahawks didn’t look nearly as motivated to win a football game. Enough of about the losers. Last week I told you all the Cowboys could be a potential suitor for Jimmy G with the Dak injury.

Turns out that Prescott’s injury wasn’t as severe as initially thought to be, and more importantly, the 49ers are gonna need Gorappolo to stick around a little longer. Tre Lance suffered a broken ankle in the first quarter of the game, forcing the return of Jimmy G. He finished the game with 154 passing yards and one passing and rushing touchdown, “leading” the 49ers to their first victory of the season.

I hope Trey heals well and comes back strong. If not for himself, at least for the mental health of the 49ers fanbase, who once again have to watch Jimmy G hold the team back every Sunday.

CINCINNATI BENGALS v DALLAS COWBOYS

Joe Burrow continued to struggle in week two, and it’s looking like all the money the Bengals spent addressing the offensive line this offseason was a waste. The Cowboys surprisingly looked better with Cooper Rush running the show. Unfortunately, Mike McCarthy is still the head coach, and the team struggled to generate points.

Rush got the ball at his own 35 with less than a minute on the clock and drove the offense downfield, setting up the game-winning field goal. He wasn’t spectacular, but all I know is Cooper Rush has more touchdowns than Dakota Prescott, and the Cowboys have a better record with him as the starter as well. 

HOUSTON TEXANS v DENVER BRONCOS

Not only is Russell Wilson washed, but his head coach/bestie is a MORON. I haven’t seen an NFL team this poorly coached since Ben McAdoo’s second year with the Giants. Through two weeks, the Broncos have yet to record a red zone touchdown, and their kicker is responsible for more points than their $250M QB.

ARIZONA CARDINALS v LAS VEGAS RAIDERS

The Cards trailed 20-0 at halftime, but Kyler Murray mounted a heroic second-half comeback, scoring 22 points in the fourth quarter and overtime to seal the victory. Murray had arguably the best two-point conversion in NFL history.

Per NFL Research, the Raiders were 39-0 all-time when leading by 20-plus points at halftime entering Sunday’s matchup. Conversely, when trailing by 20-plus points at halftime, the Cardinals were 0-90-1 all-time. At least for one more week, Kliff Kingsbury’s job is safe.

CHICAGO BEARS v GREEN BAY PACKERS

After a gut-wrenching loss to the Vikings in which Green Bay’s young receivers dropped countless passes, the Packers relied heavily on the run game and leaned on their veterans in the passing game. Aaron Jones racked up 170 yards from scrimmage and two touchdowns, extending his streak of games with at least one touchdown against the Bears to four. After Sunday night’s game, Aaron Rodgers continues to be the majority owner of the Chicago Bears. 

TENNESSEE TITANS v BUFFALO BILLS

Josh Allen continues to show us he’s really that dude, and he’s not to be ******* with! Stefon Diggs caught three touchdowns for the third time in his career-first time since 2020. The Bills dominated this game from start to finish.

Love Mike Vrabel, but outside of Derrick Henry, this team is just disgusting. RYAN TANNEHILL IS GARBAGE, AND EVERYONE OUTSIDE OF TENNESSEE KNOWS IT. After tossing a pick-six to increase the deficit to 34 points, Tannehill got benched for Malik Willis. He was impressive in the preseason, and it’s just a matter of time before Willis is the starting QB.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS v PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Jalen Hurts played well through the first two weeks of the season, and he was especially impressive in the Eagles’ dominant win over the Vikings on MNF. Hurts finished the game with 333 passing yards, 57 rushing yards, and 3 touchdowns. For the second week in a row, Philly’s offense stalled in the second half, but for the second week in a row, they did enough to win the football game. Now with that being said, let’s talk about that defense.

I had a lot of questions about the Eagles’ defensive unit after they rolled over for the Lions in the second half and almost allowed a comeback victory last week. But that same Eagles team showed up to their week two matchup on a mission and shut down Dalvin Cook, Justin Jefferson, and the Vikings.

After racking up 395 yards and putting up 23 points against the Packers last weekend, the Vikings could only muster up a meager 264 yards and seven points against the Eagles. Cousins fumbled the ball once, threw three interceptions, and nearly threw several more. Maybe it’s time the Vikings start looking at options for a replacement at QB. Our friends at Dimers seem to agree; what do you think?

Five Biggest Winners of Week 2

*Jalen Hurts was +3000 to win the NFL MVP award at the beginning of the offseason. Those odds dropped to +1400, heading into Week 2. After his stellar performance on MNF, he has the third-best odds (+800), sitting behind Josh Allen (+325) and Patrick Mahomes (+450). 

*Mike McCarthy got lucky on Sunday with a win over the Cincinnati Bengals. Nonetheless, the Cowboys displayed enough fight and toughness without their “star” quarterback, which means McCarthy’s job is safe at least for one more week.

*Mike McDaniels has unlocked Tua Tagovailoa and has the Dolphins’ offense looking the best its been since the days of Don Shula and Dan Marino. Miami exploded for 547 yards against the Ravens, and I expect this offense to continue to look impressive as they build chemistry. If things continue to trend in this direction, the Dolphins might give the Bills a run for their money for the division title. 

*Despite all the injuries on both sides of the football and being in his first year as a head coach, Brian Daboll and the Giants are 2-0. Coach Dabs has really changed the culture in the building and has the Giants winning tough, dirty, close games that they’ve been known to lose in the past. 

*Tua Tagovailoa became just the 18th QB in NFL history to throw for at least six touchdowns and the first to do it since Patty Mahomes in 2018. Tua has proven to the Dolphins’ front office and ownership that they were right for believing in him.

Disgusting Behavior

*Joe Burrow is number one on my Disgusting Behavior list this week. The Bengals arguably have the worst offensive line in the league, but that was the case last year, and they made it all the way to the Super Bowl. Burrow has already been sacked 13 times and thrown four interceptions as the Bengals head into Week three 0-2. According to StatMuse, no team has made the playoffs after starting 0-2 in the last 3 seasons. 

*Nah, I take that back; the Ravens’ defense takes the cake this week. On Sunday, the Ravens became the first team in over a decade to relinquish a three-touchdown lead in the fourth quarter. 

*Marcus Mariota had multiple chances to upset the Rams on the road in the final minutes of the game. But an interception in the endzone and a strip sack on their following drive derailed the Falcons’ hopes of going home with a win. 

*Kirk Cousins stinks. As I mentioned before, he could’ve easily had a lot more than the THREE turnovers he recorded Monday night had the Eagles secondary been able to hold onto the ball. The Vikings never had a chance in this one, in large part due to Cousins’ accuracy issues. He finished the game with a dreadful 17.5 QBR.

*If Kirk Cousins needs a pick-me-up after that abysmal performance against the Eagles, he needs to look no further than Matt Ryan’s stat line against the Texans. Matty Ice completed just 16 of his 30 throws and threw three interceptions as the Colts were shutout 24-0 by Houston. His 6.2 QBR on Sunday is by far the worst of his career for a single game. 

*Honorable mention-Hey, Mike Gesicki, Imma need you to take some dance classes and go get some rhythm. Until then, stop being a culture vulture, and don’t try to griddy again. Please and thank you. The man tried to hit the griddy and looked like he was skiing.

 

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Offensive Player of the Week

Tua Tagovailoa had the most impressive performance of Week 2. Nearly 500 passing yards while tossing six touchdowns in one of the most impressive regular season comebacks in league history is nothing to scoff at. Not to mention he did this while completing 72 percent of his pass attempts. 

Defensive Player of the Week

Darius Slay once again showed the world why his moniker “Big Play Slay” is probably the most accurate nickname in all of professional sports. Slay caught two interceptions, almost had a couple more and held Justin Jefferson to six catches for 48 yards just one week after he had 184 receiving yards and two TDs.

 

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